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You're a spender, he's a saver. He leaves the toilet seat up, you forget the dry cleaning. And you're driving each other crazy. Nip the tension with advice from top relationship experts.Whether you're married, dating or somewhere in between, if you're living together chances are you and your partner have had a few tense conversations about each others bad habits. From the household budget and chores to carving out a little "me" time, no doubt these issues can be some of the hardest to deal with.
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Conflict at Home #1: Money
"With each new stage in their relationship, couples reach a deeper level of intimacy," explains Christine Arylo, relationship expert and author of Choosing Me Before We. "It can be threatening because you are letting someone in. As a result, we tend to put up our defenses, and it comes out in icky ways, such as arguing over whose turn it is to take out the trash or how you'll spend your savings."
The biggest trigger of them all? Money. "It's the number one issue that breaks couples up," says Ian Kerner, sex and relationship counselor and New York Times best-selling author. "It's something that has to be discussed but fairly. We all come into a relationship with all sorts of habits. Some of us are frugal; some of us love to spend. Either way, it's crucial to constructively express your money values to one another."
Kerner's top advice? Take a proactive approach. If you've noticed your bank account taking a dip from dining out way too much, reign it in! Instead of discussing where you'll be eating, call your partner and say here's what I'm cooking tonight or send them a grocery list suggesting they shop and you'll cook.
"Rather than arguing about your issue, do something tangible to make the change," says Kerner.
Arylo agrees and stresses the importance of focusing on one issue at a time. "Our feelings about money usually stem from fear, the fear that if we run out we can't survive," she says. "So when something negative happens, our fears bubble up and we tend to project them onto our partners."
To counter that, Arylo suggests tackling issues specifically rather than piling on other points. Need to discuss the bills not being paid on time? Talk about that one issue and take your feelings out of it too. "It's important to remember that whatever the dilemma is, it's not a direct reflection of his love for you," she says. "Once you love someone you're always in love. It's more about his habits and issues with money."
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Conflict at Home #2: Personal Space
Same goes for the battle for personal space. "If he likes to shut the door and jam to his music or head out for guys' night once in awhile, it's not a personal vendetta against you," explains Arylo. "Don't take it personal. If it bothers you, most of the time the other person doesn't know the impact they are having on you."
Kerner agrees. "The best couples are the strongest individuals," he says. "They don't do all things together at all times. It's important to recognize that you both need your personal space both inside the home and out, so plan accordingly." Need suggestions? Sign up for classes or schedule nights out (or in) with your pals and keep each other informed.
Photo: Getty Images
Conflict at Home #3: Splitting up the cleaning
When it comes to the dreaded household chores, make a plan. If one of you feels as if you're carrying the bulk of the burden, sit down and divvy up what needs to get done. Arylo suggests breaking it down by the tasks each person enjoys doing (cooking, walking the dog), what can be outsourced (housecleaning or laundry service) and finally, what just needs to get done no matter what. That way, she says, you'll have clear expectations of one another's responsibilities.
Kerner has a similar, yet enticing approach to splitting up the chores. "I think making lists and setting up deadlines is great, it keeps you both in check," he says. "And if that doesn't work, I like to introduce something I call chore-play. I've read studies that suggest a woman is more likely to want to have sex with their partner if they help out with the chores." His tip? The next time your partner gets down about his household duties, remind him that chore-play can certainly lead to fore-play later on.
Conflict at Home #4: Try a peace offering
Finally, if you're still struggling with your issues, bring home a bouquet of fresh flowers. "Studies have shown that flowers create more love than almost anything else," says Arylo. "When you're in a difficult situation, having fresh flowers around helps to open your heart up and readies you for that dreaded conversation."
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