Party Host: Not Me, Not Ever

Filed under: Your Home, Fun Stuff, Parties & Entertaining

Entertaining comes with too much judgment, says our writer. So she's stopped entertaining altogether.

Women in my Connecticut town compare their kids' achievements, the type of compact SUV they drive -- and, not surprisingly, their prowess as a Martha Stewart-inspired party host. I heard one woman boast to another at the grocery store before the holidays that she was having 25 people for dinner. "I'm having 35," the woman snapped back.

Really? I wanted to say. I hate having people over. I'd rather spend an afternoon at someone else's house.


I was sweating bullets setting up for a birthday party in my backyard long ago. I haven't hosted another in awhile. Photo: Marilyn Syarto

If you've ever watched HGTV's "House Hunters," you know that most of America loves to "entertain"; nearly every featured family says they're looking for a home with a big enough kitchen, dining room, deck or yard to host parties. But do people really love to entertain as much as they say they do?

I'm not convinced. Entertaining is stressful, and hosting people feels like judgement day.

It's the equivalent of throwing an open house when selling a property -- everyone comes to gawk, poke, prod and compare. Knowing this, it's tough for me to relax if I am having people over. Who will think that my house isn't big enough, clean enough, stylish enough or landscaped enough? What if I don't serve enough food? (It's happened -- we ran out of food at my husband's 30th birthday party years ago, and it still haunts me.)

I've been to enough book club gatherings, Bunco dice-throwing nights, fundraisers and holiday parties at other people's homes to know this much: People are nosy -- even I am -- and we all judge other people's homes. Since we all know how that we pick apart people's houses ourselves, many of us tremble at the thought of opening our doors to a throng of guests. Case in point: My friend, Eloise, recently hosted a Bunco night at her house; she stressed about the decor before the first friend arrived, and imagine my horror when I heard all of the women dissecting her home as soon as she was out of earshot.

And her house is lovely. My home is small with a dated kitchen and numeous imperfections. When my friend who is an interior decorator -- or rather, a clone of Martha Stewart -- comes over, I tend to panic. To quell my anxiety in anticipation of a visit, I put a sign in a frame to let her know that yes, she's just stepped into an imperfect home. I did this so I wouldn't have to "explain" to her (like I always do) why there's cat hair on the couch, why there's dustbunnies under the table, and why my kitchen hasn't yet been remodeled.

I'm also self conscious about my home's size. In our affluent community where biggest is best, people -- even kids -- have house envy. We bought our ranch home nearly two decades ago before the square footage craze began, and we were thoughtful about our purchase, sacrificing size for security. Still, ranches are not always conducive to entertaining, and I make that clear to people who ask me to host events. My other friends and fellow ranch-dwellers hate hosting as much as I do. It's difficult to host nighttime events in a ranch because our kids' rooms are all on the same level as our living areas. We can't exactly shush them up to bed while guests loudly gab.

So rather than even attempting to be the hostess with the mostess, I entertain on my own terms. Instead of hosting a super loud gabfest, I'll invite a friend over for tea or a couple over for dinner at our well-worn dining table. Our home is what it is; no explanation necessary.

I've read that hosting people at your house is like giving them a gift of love. But I have other things to contribute. Like the awesome orange cream cookies I'm planning to bring to my next book club meeting at a friend's house. Did I tell you that she's got a home I'm just dying to check out...

Throwing a party? Don't miss:
Entertaining Tips from Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams
Extra Seating: $50 and Under

 

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