Filed under: Your Home, Storage & Cleaning
When her boyfriend moved in, this writer learned to sacrifice space and even a little bit of style. Here's how she did it.I should have been satisfied when my boyfriend agreed to get rid of his forest-green pleather couch -- with matching love seat! -- before we started living together. But I wasn't. I'd finally gotten my apartment just the way I wanted it. It was a carefully curated nest of thrifted furniture and vintage Pyrex. Every room was perfect. For me.
So happy living together: The author and her boyfriend. Photo courtesy of Emily Farris.
But I loved my boyfriend, so I knew that if we were going to be living together, I'd have to at least pretend to love his stuff (save for those hideous couches). I just wasn't prepared for how much of it he'd have.
The night before he moved in, he drove some things over: seven African masks of varying sizes, at least 30 nearly-empty condiments for the fridge and concert posters. So many concert posters. The posters weren't framed, but the Coors Light mirror he brought was.
I tried to incorporate the masks. One worked on the mantle, and another, surprisingly, rounded out a wall where I'd hung two owl prints. This is easy, I thought. And that part was.
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On Saturday morning, he started bringing over the big things: the pressed plywood desk, a dresser that might be cute if it were painted and had new pulls and, of course, his bike, which he leaned up against mine in the foyer. I silently freaked out. My turquoise, three-speed vintage bicycle with a basket was part of the decor. His mountain bike, on the other hand, was an eyesore.
Throughout our talks about living together, I had considered the idea of turning over my office -- a big beautiful space off of the living room. It's the largest room in the apartment with three windows, a sizable closet and a beautiful pocket door that, when open, transforms my living room into a huge living room-office. I always kept the idea as a back-up plan, but kept quiet since I worked from home and really, really loved that room.
As I surveyed the design damage, I knew I had to make a choice: give up my decor or give up some personal space.
The next day, I rearranged. I got rid of some clothes, moved my desk into the tiny storage room off of the kitchen that I'd been using as an extra closet/dressing room, and decided to give him a room of his own. I enthusiastically sold it to him as a "man cave," his own space to do whatever he wanted. There's probably even enough space in there for his ugly couches. But I'll never tell him that. And even without them, I keep the pocket door closed when he's not around. It took a bit of trial and error but I feel like I've figured it out how to make it work.
Here, the 10 things I've learned:
1. It's no longer "my" apartment.
As soon as I invited my boyfriend to move in, my home became our home. So as much as I'd like to, I don't get to call all of the shots anymore. If he wants to hang a poster from the best Phish concert of his life, I'll help him find a place to get it framed.
2. Still, compromise isn't always the best idea.
The apartment doesn't need to be an equal mishmash of both our things. His Kansas U football flag wouldn't look good near my vintage mirrors -- even he knows that. Instead, he gets a room of his own, at least until we can move into a home that we can decorate from scratch. I might tidy up if we have company coming over but other than that, I gave up all control over that space. And I was happy to do so.
3. I can satisfy my need to shop by suggesting we go and buy things we both like.
I wasn't about to let my boyfriend put his ugly halogen lamp behind the couch, even though he says that my vintage lamp doesn't give him enough light for reading. "Why don't we go shopping for one we both like?" I asked. "One that has style and functionality." It worked!
4. I give him chores he'll do well.
I learned very early on that there's no point in asking my boyfriend to clean the kitchen. Sure, he'll do it. He'll even do it without complaining (and to the best of his ability). But his idea of a clean kitchen and my idea of a clean kitchen are very, very different. I could take the time to show him how to clean my way, or I could just do it myself. Instead of kitchen duty, he takes the trash out, takes stuff to the recycling station and waters the plants. He also kills and disposes all bugs that enter our home. Sometimes I even ask him to do my laundry, when he's already doing his own, that is.
5. One does not always learn from example.
I like the living room a certain way. The ottoman, coffee table and arm chair are perfectly parallel to the couch. But every time my boyfriend would sit down with a sandwich and beer to watch TV, he'd pull the table closer, and change around the ottoman and the chair. For weeks, I would put everything back exactly where it went when he was done, but still, he never did. Then, one night, when he moved the chair, I cringed. "What?," he asked? I told him I'm a little neurotic about the way the furniture was arranged. He said it didn't make sense to him the way it was, but he didn't mind putting it back when he was done if I didn't mind him moving it to suit his TV-watching needs.
6. I need to wash my sheets more often.
My boyfriend sweats more than I do and sheds more than I do. 'Nuff said.
7. Same goes for the bathroom.
8. Just because we don't love all of the same things, doesn't mean we don't love some of the same things.
I had a record player set up before my boyfriend moved in, but since then, our vinyl collection has doubled. It's something we're both proud of and excited about, and it's become a focal point of the living room -- which works perfectly with my vintage style.
9. A home that looks lived-in usually is, and that's a good thing.
Since my boyfriend moved in, my apartment is a little messier. There are more music magazines scattered on the coffee table, more towels hanging in the bathroom and more dishes in the sink. But I'd rather be living together in a messy apartment than in a clean one alone.
10. My relationship is more important than my apartment.
I love my apartment and will work hard to keep it looking the way I want it -- especially because I want it to be a place for my relationship to grow. But if at any point my desire for design becomes more important to me than my relationship, it's time to reevaluate my relationship (and my priorities).
Readers -- what sacrifices have you made when living with another person? Any other tips you'd like to add to this list? Weigh in on our Facebook page!